i've learned that for a long time now, i've only been enjoying the things that have been handed to me. the things that came effortlessly or were just dropped in my lap. i've been so busy filtering life through my brain that i've forgotten what it means to do things just for myself. not long after i started college i started deconstructing everything and stopped fighting for the dreams i had. the things that i used to love to do are lost, replaced by newer faces, different activities, darker homes. i am a wholly different person from five years ago - people change, but guilt stays the same. it's the worst part of memory - that kind of haunting essence which sticks like a bad smell. it colors specific moments with a kaleidoscopic cross-wiring of reality and memory; it's why i'm writing right now.
all the time i've spent worrying about my day-to-day function in society is a sad waste. i could be exploring the world. in this city, everything is familiar and congested and everyone is too close to have any more secrets, save for the deepest or most petty of concerns. maybe i'm asking all the wrong questions, but most days i feel distracted (or maybe just generally disappointed in myself) unto duress. i'm ready to grow some more.
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there's a part of me that's sacred and quiet. it's the part that notices things, saves memories, and is the source for all my cravings. it's whisper urges me to look outward and see things and, to some degree, understand them. but, despite all i have experienced, some things just don't translate into words. this is a part of me i won't share easily, partly because of its unintelligible nature and partly because it's all i have left of myself that's never been changed.
even when i've stripped myself down to nothing, i won't be naked.
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it's what i hate about college. one gets so immersed in precedent and expectation-- not your own expectation, other people's. i've just recently taken the training wheels off and grown disillusioned the rest of the way with day to day college life.
for me it's really hard to ask myself what college has changed/removed from my life, and it's good to see i'm not the only one doing it.
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